back to updating my blog anyway.

I ought to say this: i hate editing templates, its so HARD! ok. it never works at least for me in any case:(

but i think the world is crashing around me recently. events have been taking a toll on me and i am trying so hard to climb out of it but I can't. its hard to decribe really. I am not angry but a little discouraged, i am confused about the things i do. especially for things i don't want to think about. I don't understand why - is ignoring me. everytime, i feel i should just give up...

and in school, the test of friendship is always brought about. its hard to be part of a day without having to go through such harsh torment. I am not to say that i have had no friends by my side since I do have them and they always try to be there for me but its hard to get on with the past. It hurts everytime I think about it.

its not easy to be near smart people. I am consistently brought about clearly and subtly that I am not good enough in sports and school. and my parents are always trying to remind me that my very existence was to strive. why? if it really was the case, why bother bringing me here?

Gymnastics had always helped me deal with a harsh day but its not working. I am losing my moves faster than I try to get them back. Beam is tough but its always sort of a kind of an ongoing thing that helps me get back to the quality but recently, its failed me. I am too confused to udnerstand what is going on. Everything is falling off my grip and I have been hurt far too badly to take anymore. If i had a choice, I would wish to sit on a beach and smell the sea with only my friends and that the world stood still around me.

maybe its the stress or the fear but I feel I am on the verge of frustration to the point of loss. I fear that I cannot understand fun anymore...